Why I Stopped Forcing My Son to Say “Thank You” and “Sorry”
I used to insist that my son say “thank you” and “sorry” whenever social rules demanded it. Over time, though, I began to notice that forcing those words wasn’t building real empathy—it was teaching him a routine. He was learning when to speak, not why. Eventually, I realized I didn’t want him parroting empty phrases just to satisfy others.
That realization forced me to look back at my own childhood.
I grew up in a home governed by strict traditions and rigid expectations. Manners were paramount, and mistakes were often met with harsh reactions. While my parents believed they were teaching respect, what I carried with me instead was anxiety, low self-esteem, and a constant urge to please. When I became a parent, I made a deliberate choice: I didn’t want my son to inherit those same mental patterns. I wanted our relationship to be different—one where he feels seen, understood, and respected, rather than powerless.
So instead of enforcing politeness, I began modeling it.
When I make a mistake, I apologize sincerely—not because etiquette requires it, but because I genuinely feel remorse. I believe my son learns far more by watching me say “I’m sorry” with intention than by being forced to repeat the words himself. For me, an apology only matters when it comes from the heart, not from obligation.
That belief was tested one day at the playground when my son pushed another child. Rather than ordering him to apologize, I stepped in myself. I approached the other child’s mother, met her eyes, and told her I was sorry for what had happened. I wasn’t taking responsibility away from my son—I was showing him how repair works. He watched me handle the situation with humility, and that lesson felt more meaningful than a rote apology he didn’t yet understand.
I worry that forcing a child to say “sorry” when they don’t feel it teaches insincerity. I don’t want my son to learn how to perform empathy without actually experiencing it. When children are pushed to apologize before they understand their emotions, we risk undermining their emotional growth. I want him to pause, reflect on what happened, and consider how his actions affected someone else—not just say the right words because an adult demanded them.
Of course, this approach doesn’t sit well with everyone.
People often react strongly when they learn I don’t force my son to say thank you or sorry. My husband worries he won’t internalize social norms. Other parents sometimes label my parenting irresponsible. Still, I stand by my choice. I’m not avoiding lessons about respect or kindness—I’m redefining how he learns them. I don’t see myself as above him, issuing commands. I see myself beside him, guiding him through emotions, decisions, and consequences.
In our home, accountability looks like conversation. When he makes a mistake, we don’t jump straight to ritual apologies. We talk about what happened. I ask how he feels, whether he understands why the situation mattered, and how he might make things right. I want him to build the tools to take responsibility in a meaningful way—to understand not just what to say, but why it matters.
Ultimately, my hope is that I’m raising a child who doesn’t follow manners out of habit, but out of understanding. I want him to internalize empathy, learn from his behavior, and truly own his actions. One day, I hope he’ll say “I’m sorry” because he means it, and “thank you” because he genuinely values the kindness he’s received. To me, that is far more powerful than any polite phrase spoken on demand.